Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Hey Washer/Dryer/Whatever...It's F*#king On!

OK, so my bad for making fun of this two-in-one, confused, worthless bastard of a machine that we have in our kitchen.  It must've been listening, and it must've gotten pissed, because it held me hostage yesterday for more than 24 hours.

Also, my bad (which I was reminded of many times in my 24-hour imprisonment, thank you) for only bringing one pair of pants with me when I left the country for two months.  No, I didn't pack any pants in my suitcase, what I did was bring the pair of jeans I had on.  And for the record, the reason I did that was because all my other jeans are riddled with holes, so I thought I'd wear my one working pair on the plane (they do have two holes in them, but both are in the same knee).  That way, I wouldn't embarrass myself or anyone in my party in front of all the other sophisticated international travelers (who cares), and...I figured I'd just buy a funky new pair of jeans down here for like $7 or something. Which I will do.  So, my bad.  I take it. 

Anyway, how was I to know, number one, that such a strange, evil, and confused machine even existed here (we're not in Greece), and number two, how was I to know that on the coldest and rainiest day of the week, when Mandi had the most work to do, that it would decide to fuck with me, and abduct my only pair of pants, and in doing so, abduct me - for more than 24 hours!  

This is what happened. First off, this is what we're dealing with:

The Devil Incarnate (El Delmonio Encarnado...in case it's listening). 

We put in a load of wash on Sunday night before bed, because this jerk takes HOURS to finish a cycle.  Sorry, not a load, a few items...it fits like three things.  There's actually a button you can push to make it do a nine hour cycle.  WTF!?  Included in this "load" was my one pair of pants, in for their weekly wash.  

So...we wake up yesterday morning (9am) expecting to find clean dry clothes - how incredibly convenient to be able to wash AND dry overnight (right)?  So, sure enough, when we check, it is finished, but everything is soaking wet.  So what do we try to do?  We try to turn on ONLY THE DRYER for 60 minutes.  Should be easy, right?  It's a convenient two-in-one machine (devil) that can act as a washer OR a dryer.  It saves space and everything!  Well, please refer the the photograph above which clearly shows the controls of El Delmonio Encarnado.  Eeeeasy peeeeasy.

Mandi has the manual and Louis is trying to summon his Chinese heritage.

So, we find the manual, which actually has an English section (a trick?), and quickly figure out how to turn on ONLY THE DRYER.  Mandi's a scientist, Louis is Chinese, and I'm a guy, so this really shouldn't be that hard. Together, we press the appropriate buttons that go along with the pictures of dry clothes, and after 10 minutes or so, we realize that El Delmonico Encarnado is filling with water again!  And somehow (black magic), it has set itself on the nine hour cycle!  AND...once it starts, you can't stop it!  There's no cancel button and the door is locked!!  Noooooo!!!

Now it's 10am, and like I said, it's raining, and freezing, and Mandi has a really busy work day, and since I can't do anything except stand in the kitchen in my underwear and scream, she has to do all the errands - go to the store, return the movies, buy minutes for my phone, and walk Louis (who won't do his business because it's raining...way to help out man) - in between conference calls. Happy Mandi.  

So the day drags on, I'm reminded hourly that I should've brought another pair of pants (yes, now I know that), we can't go out for coffee, it gets dark, we can't go out for dinner, Mandi has to walk Louis again, he won't do his business again because he doesn't like being wet and he gets nervous...blah, blah, blah...AND THEN, I notice this little sign on the controls that says "Time 4 You."  
Are you fucking kidding me?

Time for me?  TIME FOR ME!  You smug little prick.  If they had baseball bats in Argentina, I would've had my jeans back that second.

Bit of a digression, sorry, anyway...around 11pm, Senior El Delmonica Encarnado graciously decides the time is right to release my jeans...hmmm...Iran decided to make a release yesterday as well - I guess that confirms this machine was in cahoots with evil.  

So...the grand finale...after waiting 13 hours in the house for the gates of hell to open and release my jeans, they came out soaking wet!  Drenched in fact!  Much more so than they were at 10am!  I think the pictures can tell the rest of the story.

Super is not amused.  Louis is wondering if Chinese Water Torture will work on the Devil.

11:30pm:  Still in my underwear.

12am:  Desperate times call for desperate measures.

And that's it.  I wrung out my jeans, blow-dryed them, and went to bed.  On the up side, I took a picture of Louis running down the stairs this morning and he looks like a bat.

That's a legend right there kids.


  1. i look a bit stupid right now because i am laughing hysterically out loud in the middle of the internet cafe, but that is HILARIOUS. i can't believe that crazy machine took your jeans hostage! and louis looks like a beauuutiful little gremlin coming down the stairs. keep them coming! so funny!

  2. This is quite possibly the funniest thing you have ever written. I'm laughing so hard, Tegan is looking at me like I'm unbalanced.